Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
