Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
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