two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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