when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
