I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
