I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
40s are totally the cure
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
