Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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