So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
