there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
