so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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