Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
