I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
