my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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