Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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