Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
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