Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
