I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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