Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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