I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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