i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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