At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
