everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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