In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
