can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Come share oat with me in your robe
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
