Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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