"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Dicks are not precious.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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