I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
