So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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