last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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