i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
