You can't special order awesome
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Rumble strips road head = magical
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
