# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
