i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
