i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Say something about gay babies.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
