hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
