I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
