Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
