Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
