the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
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I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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