Just fell off a train. Bad.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
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We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
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God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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