remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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