Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
