idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
