Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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