So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
