He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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