Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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