If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
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