Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
