Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
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Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
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Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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