just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
