god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
