the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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