everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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