Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
