If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Randomize
