I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
