you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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